Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
