420 ftw
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
