I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
