Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
