U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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