My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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