The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
