I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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