i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
