i permit you to call me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
