i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
