considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
