That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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