She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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