Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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