I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
