Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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