he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
