U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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