apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
