I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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