He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
