pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
