He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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