how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
