I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
