Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
