She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
