I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
