you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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