"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
