I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
