Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
