my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
