You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
