I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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