So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I could fuck to npr.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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