I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Randomize
