I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I want her autograph on my taint
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
