Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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