So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
