please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
