Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
