WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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