Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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