I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
