bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
