hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
