Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my being single is dangerous.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
