I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
